Just the facts, Jack

As of today the facts are:

Weight: -30

Waist: -3.5

Hips: -5.5

The last two numbers don’t look all that great. Hopefully that 30 pounds lost wasn’t in brain matter.  Fingers crossed on that one!

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Thanksgiving Workout Vacation

Thanksgiving

Workout

Vacation

Which of these words is not like the other?

On Friday a coworker said to me, “So what are you going to do on your vacation?”

I responded, “Sleep and watch TV”

“And….” she said..

“Uh….”

“And???” She said..

Sigh… “Workout”.

“Exactly.”

Ugh.

Can’t a girl take a week off work… on a Holiday Week and not workout?

Ah… NO!

So that shall be my week. Sleep. Watch TV. Workout

Work it on out…

So I worked out Saturday morning. Then Sunday off as usual. Worked out Monday afternoon. Today.. Tuesday… ah… well…. Lets not comment on that.

Well here is what happened. It’s Tuesday in a fun-packed Holiday Week.  Wednesday I have meet with Amanda and do my Monthly weigh in. Agh.  Thursday, as most of you know, is Thanksgiving.. which means… Gambling!  And then Friday.. well I imagine I will workout and do a little Black Friday afternoon “window” shopping.    I expect Saturday will be more of the same. So see, I needed a day to myself. A day of doing nothing. A day of cleaning the kitchen as well. A lazy vacation day…

Why is that last paragraph all crap??? BECAUSE I HAVE TO WEIGH IN TOMORROW. I should have done a marathon today. I shouldn’t be sitting here in my desk chair typing on this blog. I have calories to burn! More so since I ate those donuts. Oops.. did I just mention donuts? I didn’t mean to do that.

Act like you didn’t read the word “donuts”. All three of them. Oops.. Crap.

I know I will still weigh in less than a month ago, but I will probably miss my goal by 2 pounds. Again. Self-sabotage is my middle name.

It’s the diet that will kill you.

And it is killing me. Not literally or at least not today. I can’t get a handle on the dieting portion of this great plan. It’s a life style change, right? And I guess changing your life style doesn’t happen overnight, but, you know, it’s been months.  I am losing weight, just extremely slowly, and I know that if I was good and didn’t cheat so much it would float off a little faster. How does one avoid the cheats? I mean let’s face it.. Pizza (last nights dinner) and donuts (remember we aren’t talking about those) are out there.. Everywhere. Taunting me. Laughing at me.  I mean I live across the street from a place called PARADISE PIZZA! Do I even have a chance? Life would be so much better if a chicken breast tasted like a slice of Pepperoni and Sausage pizza. That is a question that will haunt me forever….

So what’s a pizza-holic to do?

I don’t have an answer. Today I put on a pair of jeans that are one size smaller. They are just tight enough to remind me what pizza has done to my life.

But hey.. they also zipped up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never work out again! Thanks Bliss!

That’s right folks… no more workouts for us. No more sweatin’. No more exhaustion all in the name of getting fit.  Nope. .  We. Are. Done.

I am sitting here at work and found a Bliss catalog.  I love their lotion, so I am turning pages.. turning pages.. and there on page 36 is the answer to all of our prayers. FATGIRLSLIM products! Fat…. Girl…..Slim

Here’s what they say at the top of the page:

At Bliss, we don’t buy into dietary deprivation….. First life’s too short to pass up the pumpkin pie and second we’ve got a family of formulas with seriously effective ‘thin’-grediants that’ll keep your belly from turning into that proverbial ‘bowl of jelly’.

SERIOUSLY.. it says that!

Here’s some of the products:

FatGirlScrub:  Diminsh the appearance of bumps and ensure maximum effects from the formulas that follow

FatGirlSlim:  It’s the daytime dimple dashing dynamo! It somes with encapsulated caffeine!

Oh and make sure you pick up your LoveHandler: Liquid workout for the lazy abdominals, with caffeine and lipid-release boosters.

And lastly FatGirlSleep:   a potent PM version of FatGirlSlim cream.

Okay, I get it. A lot of lines sell firming creams, cellulite busters, etc. I know that and I understand that. And as much as I feel badly for all the size  4 women out there with cellulite and jiggly thighs (No!! Save them!!) I have to think that the people of Bliss could have come up with a better name for their products… no? Am I wrong?

Oh and here is something from a corner of the page from Dr Ava Shamban: The theory behind Caffeine is that it actually can reduce fat. It can enhance fat metabolism and also reduce some of the edema or swelling that we get around the fat, so the skin appears smoother.

Note to self: Tomorrow at Starbucks make that an iced Venti Americano with 12 extra shots of espresso.

So anyone have any ideas of better names for these Bliss products, or maybe just better products? Leave them in the comments section.

My idea- Chop Those Thighs Off and They Won’t Jiggle Anymore Cream:  Its the anticeptic cream you put on the open wound left after chopping off the thighs.

Dont forget: Leave your comments!

Work out!

No one can say I am too lazy to join a health club. I just don’t often walk back in the door after joining. My list of health clubs I have joined is long and varied.

So why not talk about my work out history. Well we could avoid it but… oh well.

The Squat Thrust:

My first experience at working out, hard, was when I was probably 9 or 10.  My brother and a friend informed the younger kids in the neighborhood that they were putting together a football team and a friend of theirs who lived around the block was putting together one on his street. We were going to play each other in a week, so it would be a long, hard grueling week of working out to get ready. We were all ready. All 4 or 5 of us.  I don’t remember much about it, as it was mostly a haze of pain and sweat, but I do remember the Squat Thrust. Who the hell invented that, and why after being told to do it, didn’t we just quit and walk away? We were no quitters! I am not sure how many days it took us to start questioning why we never practiced football plays. I mean we only had a week. Finally, we figured it out. There was no real football team. There was no planned football game. It was just an example of the evilness of an older brother! As god is my witness, I’ll never do a squat thrust again!

High School:

In high school we could chose a new focus for PE every 6 weeks. One of the best to take, for girls: Weight lifting.  The teacher who taught it was the ex-football coach who didn’t think girls could do anything. So he sent all the girls over to the gymnastics weight room, while he stayed over in the wrestling side with the boys. Maybe once, towards the end of the class period we would hear him coming up the steps, so then we would actually start lifting some weights, but mostly we sat around and talked. That’s my kind of weight lifting!

Curves and 7 Flags:

I started out in 2004 joining Curves. I needed to get back into shape and was so far out it wasn’t funny. Curves was a nice intro into starting over. After about 3 months, though, it was time for a bigger challenge and really the monthly fee to Curves was almost the same as to a large fitness center.  This was really when I started to feel a change. I joined a women’s group called 20/20 (lose 20lbs in 20 weeks). I didn’t lose the 20 but once I combined it with Weight Watchers, the weight did start to come off.  I was a member of 7 Flags for two years before I quit. The last 6 months some major changes in my life had taken place and I was getting pretty depressed. Coming home, eating a frozen pizza and not moving off the couch seems the best way to handle it all.

Floating from Health Club to Health Club:

After leaving 7 Flags, I joined the Y. It was a bit less expensive, and I had some family members that went there. It didn’t take me long to grow discontented though. I wasn’t going and I needed to make budget cuts.  So The Y was gone.

Next a joined a small branch of one of the bigger places in town. It was a bit cheaper than the main place, and it was small almost store front. And each piece of cardio had it’s own TV. Great. For the week I went. After a month I canceled. I was so embarrassed by it, that I made up a medical reason to tell them, even though they didn’t ask.. I just offered it up.

Six months later I joined another store front place that advertized as the least expensive place in town. And it was. $20.oo a month. I joined on my 46th birthday. And then didn’t walk back into the place for another month. Maybe 2. No TV on each piece of cardio. That was really a reason to quit! So after having a membership there for about 3 months, I quit. Any excuse I could find to use is a good excuse.

Fitness World West:

Last winter a friend of mine was going to Curves and I knew that I desperately needed to do something. I had the money and was going to go to the Curves across the street from work and join. Except they only had a recording on their phone.  I left a message and it took a day for them to call me back and to be honest, the woman who called didn’t seem to want me to join – no wonder they went out of business months later.

So I started calling health clubs and first called one of the older ones in town but had never been to before. I ended up going there. Fitness World West. It looked much larger from the outside than it does on the inside, yet it is a full service health club. I joined. I went once or twice.  Of course I had signed a 1 year contract so I couldn’t just cancel after a month or so. So every now and then I forced myself to go, but I was lucky if it was every other week.  I needed motivation. One day a sales person called me and wanted me to set up a meeting about personal training. I couldn’t afford it but went anyway. It was the best move I made. I needed someone to hold me accountable and even though I couldn’t afford to meet weekly, I did finally end up meeting with Amanda 2 times a month for a half hour each.  So that was the big step.

However, it is also just the facility and the diversity of membership. Member of all ages and sizes. It’s not a place made up of skinny blonds and oddly muscular guys making plans for Saturday night.  I’ve been to other clubs where after you join the sales person who signed you acts like they have never seen you before, but at FWW the guy who signed me up often walks over to me and asks how I am doing.  The girl at the counter called me by name twice this week when I was leaving.  It’s all those small things that count towards making a person comfortable and that helps get you back in the door the next time.

And the other important key:

A work out buddy. Whether is it someone you just work with or one of your closest friends. Maybe you only work out together once or twice a week, it still makes a big difference. I am lucky that my workout buddy is one of my closest friends. She was probably there for at least one of those “fake football” practices. She was the person I sat and gossiped with during  high school weight lifting class.  I know I will see her a couple times a week at the fitness center, and I know she will scowl at me a little if I admit to not getting there enough times that week!

Everything is in place.

So it seems like this time, everything is in place. I am at the right club. I have the right evil trainer. I have right friend to keep me honest.  It seems like the stars are all aligned for success. Every thing seems to be in the right place. This time I shall do it.

Just don’t ask me what I ate for dinner last night!

Confessions of a Fat Girl

It’s official: This blog will now be a diary of my workout/weigh loss struggles, lessons, successes and bitter failures.

So let’s start with being fat. I am. I am not one of those skinny girls who goes around and says how fat they are so that people will say “oh honey you aren’t fat” or whatever.  That isn’t me.  Though I did  fit into a pair of size 9 Lee Jeans once. Sure I was 18. I had been hospitalized for over a week with Strep Throat, Mono,  and Hepatitis. I was so dehydrated that the IV keep falling out of my arm/my hand/ where ever they tried to stick it. When I got out of the hospital the first thing I did was weigh myself.  The second thing I did was tried on the Lee Jeans I could never fit into.  There was a glow in the room.. angles sang… the zipper zipped up. I could still sit down! I was a size 9. Maybe.. just for one day….

I won’t whine about being fat. It was my own doing. I spent about 2-3 years nightly on a bar stool and even though it was Bud light, it was also Mozzarella sticks and nachos. Never having been a skinny chick, that began the decline.

So now here I am, about a million years and a million pounds later. A few years ago I lost about 65 pounds thanks to working out and Weight Watchers, then life changes led to stress eating. At least I can say I didn’t gain it all back. I never gained back the last 11 pounds. Throw me a party!

In 614 days I turn 50. Basically I don’t want to be this person anymore. I am tired of walking into a room and scanning around to see if I am the largest person there. I am tired of obsessing for a week or more about whether I will be able to fit in the seat of the airplane.  Or the worst.. the time I went and bought Spanx hoping that would help me fit in that airplane seat, only to then start obsessing about cutting off the blood flow to my lower limbs, causing me to get deep leg thrombosis and then just as I hit big at the first casino, fall dead on the casino floor!! Sorry for the inconvenience  New York New York.. but I had to wear the Spanx. So actually I didn’t. I didn’t want to hit a big jackpot and then die. So I didn’t do either. No big Jackpot.. no death.  I did fit in the airline seat. Barely.

So this is the plan. No real diet plan except smart eating. Trying to eat a salad every night.  Trying to some how incorporate some fruit into the diet – what happened to those apples Susan?? Trying to eventually hit 96 oz of water a day- the goal right now is 72. Eat whole grains. No pop, not even diet.  And please please stop eating those Low Fat Raspberry muffins at Starbucks.. they do not count as your fruit, Susan.. you muffin loser!

Except for the damn muffin I am doing “okay” at following my meal plans.  I made the mistake of buying a big box of Honey Nut Cheerios instead of Multi-Grain Cheerios and boy.. what a disappoint Honey Nut has been.. hence the muffins ;-(.

Exercise:  4-5 times a week. At least 30 mins of the Elliptical every time. Alternate cardio/strength days with just Cardio day. If I make to the health club on Monday, I almost always hit that 4-5 day goal.  Tomorrow will be day 5.  If I miss Monday, then the rest of the week is a struggle. Last week I made it twice, but I have done that bad in a few months, so I am not beating myself up about it.

We’ll see what happens.

The Goal:  Fit for 50.

Let’s go!

The Bosu and I

This is the face of the enemy:

BOSU Balance Trainer Home

http://www.power-systems.com/s-17-bosu.aspx

The Bosu Ball. The Enemy.  My Enemy.

There are no worse words to see on a trainer sheet that holds your strength regimen for the next 2 weeks then “Bosu” .

Bosu.

I am pretty sure in some now unspoken ancient language, Bosu meant “Don’t stand on this fucking thing”…
But since it is a now unspoken ancient language, it seems trainers do not know that.

When I saw Amanda filling out my form for the next two weeks, I gasped. Loudly.   I was minutes away from
breaking down into tears and curling up in a fetal position. Instead, I gasped again. I informed Amanda
that I didn’t believe people were meant to stand on them. Sit – sure. Lay down, why not? Huh.. nope,
her evilness was all plotted out.

The exercise was the single arm row on the cable machine while standing on the bosu ball. Crazy!
Amanda reminded me about when I had to single arm rows while standing on one foot. that was the
preparation for this thing.. this bosu thing.

The little blue disk of evil.

Now understand, it’s called a Bosu Ball. Get that last word. Ball. Honey, there ain’t no ball there.
It’s a stability ball, cut in half mounted on a platform. Hey Bosu.. you aren’t a ball, you sucker!!!!
You little blue disk of evil.

So we went through the sheet. The plank – done. Chest press with dumb bells while laying on the
stability ball.. done. Skull crushers on the ball – done (skull crushing averted!). Now Amanda
was picking up the bosu ball. Eek.

“Go ahead and step up on it” She said.

I looked at her. “First off. When I fall off screaming, I need to make sure no one will laugh at me”

She smiled.

“Secondly, when I break both my ankles while falling off, I need to make sure you guys will call
an Ambulance”

“Don’t worry,” she said, “We know their number well”

Eek.

She held my hands and I stepped up, knowing ankle breakage was coming. She started to let go and I quickly reached
up and held the over head bar of the cable machine above my head. And that was how I did my one arm rows. Feet
barely on the Bosu, One arm rowing and one arm held firmly above my head… knowing that my life was literally in my hand.
A couple of times I actually let go for about 1/2 a second. Barely.

When it was over and both arms had alternately rowed and balanced my life safely, Amanda said to step off.

Ah..how? I am not tall enough to hold the bar from the floor and if I let go, my life will flash before my eyes. Eek.
Luckily I noticed that one of the handles off of the bar tilted downward. Holding on for dear life I stepped off.

“You did it” Amanda said.
“I didn’t die!” I said, self-deprecatingly.

We had two more exercises to do (Ham string curls with the ball and crunches for those curious). Then my time with
Amanda was over. HOWEVER.. I had to repeat everything before I could go home. Oh Bosu.. you shall kill me yet.

When it was “Bosu Time” I stood for a long time talking (in my head) to the bosu. Somehow I was able to step up and
quickly grab the bar again. I did my arm rows as fast as I could and got the hell off.

I finished my workout and then saw the Bosu. Sort of staring at me. Taunting me. So I walked over to it. I wanted to rip it’s
little heart out, but instead I kicked it. I kicked it closer to the rail. Then I practiced stepping off and on, while holding on the
side rail. But I knew… for two weeks I was going to be working with this disk of evil, and I better master it…. So I left.

Tonight was Cardio night. Ahh.. the elliptical… it’s not evil! It’s almost angelic in comparison. Every 13 minutes I stopped
and walked some laps around the track. There was the disk of evil calling my name.

Finally at the end of cardio, I approached the disk. I kicked it.. next to another machine where I could hold on again.
I looked at Bosu and I said “Look, I will make you a deal. Don’t break my ankles and I will agree to your right to call yourself
a ball” Bosu seemed to agree.

7 times I stepped on that “ball”. Each time I wobbled in place. Not holding on to anything for 45 seconds. 55 seconds.
I could never do a full minute. I also couldn’t step on it without holding to the machine next to me. Finally, after
the 7th time. I kicked her again.. This time away from the machine. Out of reach.

I stepped. One foot.  The other foot. I stood….. well okay I wobbled. 30 seconds.  I stepped down.

My ankles were intact. My fear of the Bosu had lessened (a little tiny bit).

I went home.

Next I think she will have me do something crazy like squats on the Bosu. She’s just that evil.