How can I do Cardio if I don’t have Bones

Paging FBI Special Agent Seely Booth!

Hello Dr Temperance Brennan!

I admit it. I am an addict of the Fox TV show Bones.  I need it.  I depend on it.  It’s how I get through my cardio.  I usually get to the gym just before TNT starts its 6pm (central!) episode of Bones. Yep, they are all reruns. Yep, I have seen them each multiple times, but I hate cardio and a good grizzly dead body helps me get through it.  Well okay… a little “King of the Lab!” helps too.

So last night, I get to the gym about 5 til 6pm. I get on the elliptical. I chose one of the black ones because it always says I burn the most calories. I get ready. I plug in my ear phones. I turn on the little TV. I turn to CNN first to make sure everything is right in the world, and then turn over to TNT.  All I get is snow. I turn back to CNN. Snow. To a local station- Snow. I look all around and all the TVs on all the cardio equipment are all showing the same. Snow. Nothing. Just snow. No Booth, No Brennan, No Angela. No creepy dead body.

I kept the TV on. I started my cardio, convinced it would get corrected right away. “Maybe it will be an episode with Mr. Nigel-Murray!”,  I think as I do whatever it is called that you do on an elliptical. Elliptisizing, maybe?  I do my interval levels to keep my mind occupied. Did I mention that I hate cardio and find it mind numbingly boring? Especially when nothing is on TV… Literally…. except snow.

Somehow, I make it through… just barely. I stop.. look at my workout summary… and start to step off to do a lap on the track. I glance up and there is Cam! There is Hodgins! That’s right.. the very moment that I finish my cardio, the cable came back on. It was obvious.. I was being punished by the cardio gods for doing a short cardio workout this past Monday.

Bitch-slapped by the God of Elliptical.  The God of Elliptisizing.

Lot’s o’ mat work

Every time I meet with Amanda (who now claims she isn’t evil!) I get a new workout. This one is primarily on the floor. On the mat. Down where no fat chick likes to go!

Here is my plan:

60 seconds – modified plank.

I have always been a fast counter (you should hear me count to 500 by 5s!) so I count to about 72. slowly, and that seems to be a minute.

Push ups

20 pushups – also modifed. I am using a step on two risers. My knees on the mat, feet up and crossed at the ankle (which is what I do on the plank as well). My hands on the step platform and I do the push-ups that way.  Fun.

Lunges

20 on each leg. I’d rather do squats actually, as I don’t think I have the balance one needs for a good lunge, but I guess I have better balance now thanks to the dreaded Bosu.

Standup Rows

Standing up, using an 18lb bar. 20 of them.  (Not 20 bars! 20 Reps!)

Hip Lift

Back to the mat. Lay on the back, knees up. Feet on the floor. Lift your hips. 20 times.

Crunches.

On the mat, not on the ball as I prefer. Oh well. 20 of them.. but I do about 40-50

Reverse crunches.

Still on your back, and lifting legs up off the mat, knees bent and bring your knees in up towards you. Does that make sense? Well it better…. 20 of them.

Repeat everything.

It’s a pretty easy workout on paper but it sure does make me sweat. Especially those planks.

And I am a head sweat-er so it ain’t lovely.

I meet with Amanda (she’s really not evil!) on Tuesday and will get a new workout then. I am sure after an easy one, it is sure to be evil! It’s just the way she is….

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One response to “How can I do Cardio if I don’t have Bones

  1. I sit here and read your workout and I just can’t believe you do that much moving around. On purpose, too! I am always so tired after I read one of your posts. I’m proud of you that you can do all that but if I were to work out with you, I’d need oxygen after 5 minutes on that elliptical. I hated that thing when we were gyming. I always stuck to the bikes.

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