Living a Life of Fear

I am struggling today, and lately in general with a lot of fear and worry. My struggle today is trying to step away from one small part of that fear.

Zumba -isn’t that foolish? I am scared and worried about Zumba.  They are just starting to offer this at the gym this week and if they have a lot of interest they will put it on the regular schedule.  I have really wanted to try this class. Yet, taking a class scares the hell out of me. A few years ago a girl I worked out with talked me into taking a step class with her. Week after week I tried and failed. I couldn’t keep up with the steps and ended up marching in place or up and down my single step. People would come up afterward and tell me how great they thought it was that I was trying.  My insecure little mind read that as “everyone is watching you”.  A fat girl’s worst nightmare.  I don’t remember how long I lasted in the class before I finally stopped going. Self torture, that was.

Fear, Worry, Insecurity. Three words that probably describe a lot of overweight people.  I think  that  many people believe that if you are fat, that’s your own fault. Just quit eating, you fatty.  However food isn’t just food. It’s much more than that. I look at my two food vices. Chocolate frosted cake donuts and pizza.  When I really think about it, I can trace back to exactly why those two foods have such a hold on me.  And yes, I am about to blame my mother. I am a cliche! My mother wasn’t an affectionate person. I don’t remember her ever hugging me, but I remember how she brought me a bag of chocolate frosted cake donuts from the store bakery every time she went to get some groceries.  The more worried or scared I am about something, the more I need cake donuts. A few of them. And there has been a lot of fear lately.  As for pizza, that means independence. When my mom was active in a single parents group she would be gone in the evenings a lot and leave us money for a pizza. So I think grabbing a pizza is my way of showing my independence. I guess. Maybe that one is totally worked out yet! That excuse seems a bit lame. I think maybe I just really like pizza.

So getting the courage to take this class tonight means something more than just taking a class.  About 6 weeks or so, I was offered a chance to go to London. This is something I never contemplated that I could ever do.  First, traveling for an overweight person is scary in itself. Will I fit in the seat? Will I be forced to buy an extra ticket. Will the seatbelt fit? On and on and on.  Someone asked me if I was scared that the plane would crash, and I laughed! That’s the least of my worries! I mean I can’t stop obsessing about who will feed my cats – even though my brother has already said he would.  By the way, have I stated that this trip isn’t until next August?

I have tried really hard to push every worry that has come to my mind right back out. I try to remind myself of these things:

1- I am fifty pounds lighter than the last time I flew. I didn’t have to buy an extra ticket, and only had to asked for a seat belt extender once and then just because it was about half an inch too small to snap close.

2- My brother will feed my cats. My brother will feed my cats. My brother will feed my cats.  (This issue alone is causing the consumption of a lot of donuts!)

3- I am fifty pounds lighter and will be more so when I get to London. I can walk. I can do things. I can make it.

I can do this right? I can go to London. I can travel on my own and once I get there I will do fine and not anger my friend because I need to sit down once in a while, right?

If I can conquer the small fear of a Zumba class, then maybe, just maybe I can actually go to London.  Maybe….

So tonight I will go to Zumba and every time I miss the footing or feel like I am about to literally throw in the towel, I will say to myself  “My brother will feed the cats. My brother will feed the cats”.

I can do this right??

By the way, I read a quote on twitter the other day and have been thinking a lot about it:

“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.” – Charles Kettering