Just a week ago…

It’s seems like just a week ago that I had a little baby fit. I held my breathe, I jumped up and down shaking my fist. I cried. I turned red, then I turned blue, then a little purple.  All the time screaming “I don’t wanna… I don’t wanna…. I don’t wanna“.  (Yes, I was screaming and holding my breath and crying all at the time! Talented!)

What a baby!

Oh hell, it happens to us all, doesn’t it?

However I went last Monday night (yes it was a week ago!) and talked to my trainer… using up way to much of our time on my piddly little problems.  I am an emotional eater, I am! And apparently I am pretty emotional- like all the time!  I talked about going back to Weight Watchers, however my trainer isn’t a fan. She doesn’t think that counting points is a good way to set me up for a life change, nor does it help with the emotions. She did however whisper the word “Therapy”.

As in “Have you ever thought that maybe you should deal with this issue in therapy“. The “therapy” whispered of course. That made me smile a little.

I think hypnosis sounds way better.  Hypnosis won’t make me cry and say how mean my mother was (She was! She was! I’ll blame her!) I tried to look on line to see if there was someone in the area that practices hypnosis, but I got sidetracked by a free download for my computer.  Then once I had that downloaded, I got sidetracked by falling asleep trying to listen to the little compute man hypnotize me. My computer was on my lap when I started, and it was turned off and closed, sitting on the table when I woke up. Had I been hypnotized to shut if off? Or, more likely, was my body rebelling against the idea of hypnosis and it turned off the computer? It’s my body saying it will eat donuts and pizza as much as it wants, damn it.. nothing is going to stop it!

So I shall get back to that web search.. we need a professional.. software (and maybe the fact that I am just too tired in the evenings) will not overpower my body’s – well my mind’s- needs!

I also ordered a book from Amazon called Shrink Yourself: Break Free from Emotional Eating Forever by Roger Gould. Will it work? I don’t know. I do know that until I charge up my Kindle, I won’t find out.

So what have we learned this week?

1-      Therapy is word that should only be whispered and then avoided at all cost.

2-      My body has practically superhuman ability to control me even though hypnosis. Now maybe next it could clean house while I sleep.

3-      Someone needs to charge up their Kindle and actually use it.

I really need to do the last one, because I also bought a Madeleine Wickham book, and damn it I need my chick lit!

Anyway, I am about to go change into my work clothes and head out over to the gym. And work out my lower body. Arg. But I am doing it. I am going. I plan to whine to myself the whole way there. That will never change. No hypnosis or self-help book could ever change my amount of whining! Not Therapy either!

And I also wanted to thank my friends who commented last week. Having support means a lot, especially when you are in the trenches and there is no skinny little daylight looking back at you. Thanks guys!


To Stop & Give Up

I have to meet with my trainer in 30 minutes and all I want to do is go home.

I have been sitting here for about 45 minutes trying to think of excuses to stop

and give up. To stop and give up.

I have to weigh in tonight and have probably gained about 7 lbs this month alone. I am at the

exact same place I was almost 6 yrs ago when I gave up as well. I don’t think I have lost any

weight in 6 months and the only inspiration I can come up with to walk in that door tonight is

that I can get done 30 minutes later, go home and have a pizza and maybe some donuts to

go with it. Seriously. This is all I can think about.

I don’t know what the F**K to do, except give up.

In two hours, I doubt I will feel this same way, but I am sure I will be eating a pizza by then.

I just don’t know how to get past this point and get back to it. I haven’t figured it out for

the past 6 months and truly believe that I just simply won’t.

Just Simply Won’t

Resolutions.. Not for me!

I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions. I set myself up for failure just fine, without needing a Holiday to announce my impending failure. Nope don’t need that.

I am not a goal oriented person, so this goal of getting Fit for Fifty or losing 60 pounds by the time I go to London, is something that is hard, a struggle, for me to maintain. You might be able to tell that by the way it takes me so long between posts. If I was doing well, I’d want to blog about it, wouldn’t I? Maybe. Maybe.

I have one friend who is very goal oriented and it seems like every goal she sets she always accomplishes them.  I watch her set goals and then reach every single one of them, and am in awe of that.  However, I am not like that. Goals are a struggle for me. I like immediate satisfaction too much. Way too much.

So for the past week or so, I have been looking at different blogs and emails newsletters.

First I came across Peter Shankman’s blog, A Year to Ten Percent. Last year he set a goal to do and complete the Ironman Cozemel. However his conditioning didn’t lead to much weight loss as he only lost 18 lbs, so he set a goal this year to get to 10% body fat. I wish him luck… I am not that crazy!

Check out his blog:


I was reading through the comments on the site and saw one person had posted some links for helpful tools and so I checked them out.

1-Habit Changer:


Give them 42 days to change your ways. If you click on programs, you can enroll in one, however they cost you money. That’s where I stopped.  The 42 day program Lose Weight is 29.95. For that you get daily challenges sent to you by text or emails, as well as tools to help you achieve those tools. For $30, it might be something I might try further down the line.

2- Stickk


I liked this one. I thought it was very interesting, and actually started to sign up but something stopped me.

First you pick a goal. You can choose from the Pull Down or chose one yourself. I chose “Lose Weight”. I got the Goal page and put in my information – my weight, my height, my goal weight and how many weeks until I want to reach it. I want to lose 60 lbs in 30 weeks. So my commitment is 2lbs a week.  It also calculated my current BMI and my goal BMI. I also have to “check in” on Thursdays.  The next step is “setting the stakes”. This is the good part. You are putting money down on your goal.  You have four choices. Choose and “Anti-charity”, a Charity, a friend or foe, or No stakes. I like the Anti- Charity. You have choices. If you are pro-choice, then you can choose Americans for Life, or vice-versus, if you are pro-Life you can chose NARAL.  There are enviromental choices, Gun control Choices, Gay Marriage or Political.  A charity from opposite sides for each. So I could choose The Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, since I am pro-gay marriage. The last think I want is for that charity to get any money from me! Another option, the “Friend or Foe” would be good if you were trying to lose weight with a friend and wanted to challenge each other.  I am a bit on the cheap side, so for now I would choose “No stakes”.  When I originally tried to set this up last week, I did chose Anti-Charity, but when I went to set what my weekly monetary commitment, I wanted to do $1, but it has a minimum of $5. I don’t have enough faith in myself to put $150 on the line, especially because you have to enter your credit card information right there and right now! So I checked “no money at stake” and it warns me that putting money on the line triples my rate of success. Sorry, too cheap today.  Next it tells me to pick a referee.  I chose myself and so I am on the honor program! Next, you can pick supporters either by entering their email, or posting on Facebook or Twitter. It would then send people a message of what you are doing and ask them to monitor your project and offer support. Well, I can’t do that, so I am skipping that step! So now I am all set up, but I have no idea if I need to remember to go in once a week and update my weight, or if it will email me. I guess I will find out on Thursday as that is the date I put in to start.

3-My Food Diary.


I haven’t looked at this one much past the first page. There is a free trial and then it cost $9 a month which isn’t much. I have my food log at my Fitbit page, so that is why I didn’t look into it. If anyone does, please leave a comment and let me know what you think.

4- Life Balance


I know  nothing about this. There is a free trial and then it is a paid app. I think when I first looked at it I thought it was an iPhone or Android app and didn’t look further, though now, opening the page again, it seems like it can also be a download for your computer.

This is what the website says:

How do you achieve a lifestyle that works for you?

Life Balance™ is personal coaching software that helps you to decide what to work on, so that you can put your effort into the goals, projects and tasks that really matter to you.

I could probably use some major life coaching, but for now, I will work on myself alone. Or at least with what I have.

If you chose to check it out, again, please leave a comment and share your thoughts.

5- HabitForge


This one I signed up for last Thursday. I once heard that it takes 21 days to form a habit, and this site seems to agree with that.  Basically you set something that you want to do every day. I chose two things. 1- Eat a fruit or vegetable everyday. 2- Walk extra everyday.  So I set those up and now every day I get an email telling me to click on the link. It takes me to my goal page, with my two goals and asks me if I did them yesterday. I hit “yes” or “no” for each one. When I hit yes, it marks a circle, however anytime I hit no, it resets all of my “yes” marks and I start all over again. I have yet to eat a fruit or vegetable since I started, so that has been a whole lot of no!


So those are the ones I have been looking at this past week.  I am doing Stickk and Habitforge, so it will be interesting to see how they work out for me.  If you try any of them, let me know what you think. If you just look at them, offer up an opinion.

Thanks and good luck with whatever goals you are working on. Just don’t call them resolutions!


Look, it’s me!

This post is one that is a little hard to make. I don’t let myself get photographed and I certainly don’t let anyone see the ones that happen!

Well my trainer has asked me to write a testimonial for her. She also wanted a picture of me before I started working with her, and a current one. I didn’t know if I could find a “before” picture, since, well as I stated, I don’t believe in having pictures taken of me. However I went through my files and found one. I think this was taken about January/February 2009. About 4-5 months before I started working with Amanda. Get ready.. this is a hard one to post…

Yuck. I really should have made that a thumbnail! But there I am. Fat. Fatty McFatterson.

And here, taken today by my niece is also me. Not quite as horrifying!

I see a difference, and I hope that others agree, so I am not just kidding myself about it. As I keep saying, I still have a way to go. Hopefully soon, I can update this with an even better picture.

Now I just need to hit publish and go to bed, hopefully forgetting that at 2:55 am, I posted these pictures. Oh well.

The truth is *now* out there.

The Trainer Returns…

Amanda is back! She was on maternity leave for 2 months, but she returned this week.

It was like the sun coming out. With a choir singing in the background “AAAAAHHHHHHH”


Time to get down to it!

So we met yesterday and weighed in, remeasured, talked and well worked out.

Oh and I also won! Yep. Lucky me. Amanda said all of her clients had some weight gain while she was gone. I won the prize for the most. I gained 13 pounds since my last weigh in on August 6th. Now I think about 3-4 pounds of that is “time of the month’ bloat, but that doesn’t matter right now.

Let’s be real. I weight 263 pounds. There I typed it out. That’s the truth. I don’t know what my all time highest weight was but it was firmly in the 300s. When I lost weight the first time, in 2004/2005 I started at 311. My sister-in-law and I had been walking a lot for about a year at that time and she believes that before we started walking I probably weighed 20 more pounds that that.

That’s a lot of pizza and donuts.

So I have a lot of weight to lose. 13 of that that which was lost, found again and now must be lost all over again!  My goal is to weigh no more than 200lbs when I go to England next August.  That’s 271 days away. 15 days after I turn 50.

We need a plan.. man.

I printed out some pages from my fitbit page so that Amanda could see what information it gives me.

Like the daily activity info:

This one shows my calories burned in 5 minute increment through the day. You can see that this is also a day when I hit my 10,000 step goal.

This top graph on this page shows a comparison between calories burned and calories eaten (note I haven’t entered in my food intake on this day though). This will be important for me these coming months:

This pictures shows a pie chart divided up by your activity. Mine tend to be mostly gray for sedentary. The ideal is to have more blue (lightly active), yellow (fairly active) and red (highly active):


This next one is steps taken. You can tell I sit behind a desk all day and then you can tell when I go workout. The idea of course is to see more spikes of activity during the day.


I also showed her an example of the food log and I am going to print that so that she can see it when we meet. I like the fact that the food log breaks everything down with calories, fat, sodium, cards, etc. She wants me to focus on no more than 1500 gm of sodium. The day I printed out for her, I was at 4,000!! Eek.

So here is the plan. I need to lose 63 pounds and have 10 months to do so. I need to lose 6 lbs a month, or 1.5 pounds a week. So this is not a crash diet I have to do. It is extremely doable!

Using the calories burned vs calories eaten graph, I need to have a 375 calorie deficit every day. We left my calorie take at 2000 and change my calorie burn goal to 2600, giving me a 600 calorie deficit. We are thinking about it this way: There might be days that I don’t work out, or maybe days when I don’t eat the best. Aiming at a 600 calorie deficit daily means that I am just banking extra calories burned for those days. Secondly as you get closer to your goal it will be harder to lose the weight. So we are aiming to burn more now while it is easier today. When it gets closer and the weight is coming off slowly we will increase that deficit.

So it’s a plan. Now we have to put the plan in action.  Be smart. Keep the eye on the prize.


Living a Life of Fear

I am struggling today, and lately in general with a lot of fear and worry. My struggle today is trying to step away from one small part of that fear.

Zumba -isn’t that foolish? I am scared and worried about Zumba.  They are just starting to offer this at the gym this week and if they have a lot of interest they will put it on the regular schedule.  I have really wanted to try this class. Yet, taking a class scares the hell out of me. A few years ago a girl I worked out with talked me into taking a step class with her. Week after week I tried and failed. I couldn’t keep up with the steps and ended up marching in place or up and down my single step. People would come up afterward and tell me how great they thought it was that I was trying.  My insecure little mind read that as “everyone is watching you”.  A fat girl’s worst nightmare.  I don’t remember how long I lasted in the class before I finally stopped going. Self torture, that was.

Fear, Worry, Insecurity. Three words that probably describe a lot of overweight people.  I think  that  many people believe that if you are fat, that’s your own fault. Just quit eating, you fatty.  However food isn’t just food. It’s much more than that. I look at my two food vices. Chocolate frosted cake donuts and pizza.  When I really think about it, I can trace back to exactly why those two foods have such a hold on me.  And yes, I am about to blame my mother. I am a cliche! My mother wasn’t an affectionate person. I don’t remember her ever hugging me, but I remember how she brought me a bag of chocolate frosted cake donuts from the store bakery every time she went to get some groceries.  The more worried or scared I am about something, the more I need cake donuts. A few of them. And there has been a lot of fear lately.  As for pizza, that means independence. When my mom was active in a single parents group she would be gone in the evenings a lot and leave us money for a pizza. So I think grabbing a pizza is my way of showing my independence. I guess. Maybe that one is totally worked out yet! That excuse seems a bit lame. I think maybe I just really like pizza.

So getting the courage to take this class tonight means something more than just taking a class.  About 6 weeks or so, I was offered a chance to go to London. This is something I never contemplated that I could ever do.  First, traveling for an overweight person is scary in itself. Will I fit in the seat? Will I be forced to buy an extra ticket. Will the seatbelt fit? On and on and on.  Someone asked me if I was scared that the plane would crash, and I laughed! That’s the least of my worries! I mean I can’t stop obsessing about who will feed my cats – even though my brother has already said he would.  By the way, have I stated that this trip isn’t until next August?

I have tried really hard to push every worry that has come to my mind right back out. I try to remind myself of these things:

1- I am fifty pounds lighter than the last time I flew. I didn’t have to buy an extra ticket, and only had to asked for a seat belt extender once and then just because it was about half an inch too small to snap close.

2- My brother will feed my cats. My brother will feed my cats. My brother will feed my cats.  (This issue alone is causing the consumption of a lot of donuts!)

3- I am fifty pounds lighter and will be more so when I get to London. I can walk. I can do things. I can make it.

I can do this right? I can go to London. I can travel on my own and once I get there I will do fine and not anger my friend because I need to sit down once in a while, right?

If I can conquer the small fear of a Zumba class, then maybe, just maybe I can actually go to London.  Maybe….

So tonight I will go to Zumba and every time I miss the footing or feel like I am about to literally throw in the towel, I will say to myself  “My brother will feed the cats. My brother will feed the cats”.

I can do this right??

By the way, I read a quote on twitter the other day and have been thinking a lot about it:

“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.” – Charles Kettering



Part One: BodyBugg didn’t want me…

So it’s been almost a month since I wrote my last entry. Whether to buy the Bodybugg or the Fitbit? I tried to weigh the pros and cons. I looked at the Facebook page for each to see what customers had to say.

I was still torn.

The Fitbit was smaller, less expensive, and use of the website was free, unless you upgraded.

The Bodybugg seemed to be more popular. My trainer said she was trained in it and could help me set mine up.

There wasn’t much out there about the Fitbit. No sites offering reviews.  Was it something that would last? Also it seemed to be back ordered and their site said it would be after Oct 1st before shipping.

The Bodybugg was on a band you had to around your upper arm, all the time. And after 6 months you had to pay to access the online website.

In the long run my biggest concern with the Bodybugg was wearing it all the time on my arm as opposed to the fitbit that you clipped on your waist band. My biggest concern with Fitbit was how long it would take to get it from them.  My need to get things right away won out… I was buying the BodyBugg.

So a week ago Wednesday I sat down to make my order. I went to the Bodybugg site and you have the option of going in through Apex or through 24 Hour fitness to place the order. I clicked on 24 hour Fitness.

The Jennifer Chat Half Human-Half Bot came on and asked if she could assist me. I asked about the comfort of wearing it around the arm and she told me that after a couple days you don’t even notice it is there. She offered to walk me though the purchase. So I let her.

It was on sale for $175 and I had a code to get another $10 off and it seemed as if shipping was free. I set up my account and placed my order. I hit “Place my order”.  A receipt page came up and oddly I decided to print it. I never print these things. I normally wait for the email receipt and just save that. Ah.. but the email confirmation never came. That was my first clue something was wrong.

By the next day when I still didn’t get an email confirmation, I checked the 24 Hour Fitness site and while they had my account there, they showed no orders outstanding for me. What did that mean? No order was place or that it had shipped so there wasn’t an “outstanding” order in that sense. I checked my bank account online and there was no charge.  I didn’t have the print out of the receipt with me at work that day, so I waited until the following day, Friday, and I brought the printout with me. I checked the website. Still nothing for my account. I checked my bank account, still no charge.

I went back to the 24 Hour Fitness site and clicked on “chat”. Jennifer the half human half bot came on and I typed out everything.  Jennifer the half human half bot couldn’t assist me with that and gave me a phone number.

I dialed the phone number and went through the call tree. A man came on and I told him my story. He asked for my account sign-in and I told him. He showed no account. He asked if my account was with Apex or 24 hour Fitness. I told him it was with 24 Hr Fitness and of course he was Apex. He couldn’t help me.  He gave me the phone number for 24 Hour Fitness.  I hung up and redialed. A woman answered and I told her the story. She said “Hmmm…”  “Okay….” “Hmmm” and then informed me that she was unable to handle customer service problems of this nature. I would need to go through the 24 Hr Fitness website and hit “Contact Us”. So I thanked her, hung up and went back to the website. I had to search around and finally found “Contact us”. I wrote out the whole story.. once again, and hit sent. The site said it would be 24-48 hours before someone would get back to me.

I wasn’t happy.

Later that afternoon, I was checking my email on my cheapy little non-smart phone and had an email from them telling me that they had no order from me and I would need to replace the order. Thank you for you business… whatever.

Obviously BodyBugg didn’t want me, and after their “fine” customer service, I knew I no long wanted the Bodybugg.

So early in the evening I was looking around the internet at the Fitbit and was reading their Facebook page to see what people were saying about it. The main complaint was shipping.  Once they got it, everyone seemed happy with it.

Then I read a comment by someone who said he bought one at Best Buy. So over to Best Buy’s Website I went. I signed in and checked my local store and it was the only one in the Des Moines Area that had them in stock. Suddenly that shipping problem was no longer a problem.  Of to Best Buy I want.

About a half hour later I was home, with one of the two Fitbits that my local BestBuy had in stock.

Coming next: The Fitbit.