Just a week ago…

It’s seems like just a week ago that I had a little baby fit. I held my breathe, I jumped up and down shaking my fist. I cried. I turned red, then I turned blue, then a little purple.  All the time screaming “I don’t wanna… I don’t wanna…. I don’t wanna“.  (Yes, I was screaming and holding my breath and crying all at the time! Talented!)

What a baby!

Oh hell, it happens to us all, doesn’t it?

However I went last Monday night (yes it was a week ago!) and talked to my trainer… using up way to much of our time on my piddly little problems.  I am an emotional eater, I am! And apparently I am pretty emotional- like all the time!  I talked about going back to Weight Watchers, however my trainer isn’t a fan. She doesn’t think that counting points is a good way to set me up for a life change, nor does it help with the emotions. She did however whisper the word “Therapy”.

As in “Have you ever thought that maybe you should deal with this issue in therapy“. The “therapy” whispered of course. That made me smile a little.

I think hypnosis sounds way better.  Hypnosis won’t make me cry and say how mean my mother was (She was! She was! I’ll blame her!) I tried to look on line to see if there was someone in the area that practices hypnosis, but I got sidetracked by a free download for my computer.  Then once I had that downloaded, I got sidetracked by falling asleep trying to listen to the little compute man hypnotize me. My computer was on my lap when I started, and it was turned off and closed, sitting on the table when I woke up. Had I been hypnotized to shut if off? Or, more likely, was my body rebelling against the idea of hypnosis and it turned off the computer? It’s my body saying it will eat donuts and pizza as much as it wants, damn it.. nothing is going to stop it!

So I shall get back to that web search.. we need a professional.. software (and maybe the fact that I am just too tired in the evenings) will not overpower my body’s – well my mind’s- needs!

I also ordered a book from Amazon called Shrink Yourself: Break Free from Emotional Eating Forever by Roger Gould. Will it work? I don’t know. I do know that until I charge up my Kindle, I won’t find out.

So what have we learned this week?

1-      Therapy is word that should only be whispered and then avoided at all cost.

2-      My body has practically superhuman ability to control me even though hypnosis. Now maybe next it could clean house while I sleep.

3-      Someone needs to charge up their Kindle and actually use it.

I really need to do the last one, because I also bought a Madeleine Wickham book, and damn it I need my chick lit!

Anyway, I am about to go change into my work clothes and head out over to the gym. And work out my lower body. Arg. But I am doing it. I am going. I plan to whine to myself the whole way there. That will never change. No hypnosis or self-help book could ever change my amount of whining! Not Therapy either!

And I also wanted to thank my friends who commented last week. Having support means a lot, especially when you are in the trenches and there is no skinny little daylight looking back at you. Thanks guys!


To Stop & Give Up

I have to meet with my trainer in 30 minutes and all I want to do is go home.

I have been sitting here for about 45 minutes trying to think of excuses to stop

and give up. To stop and give up.

I have to weigh in tonight and have probably gained about 7 lbs this month alone. I am at the

exact same place I was almost 6 yrs ago when I gave up as well. I don’t think I have lost any

weight in 6 months and the only inspiration I can come up with to walk in that door tonight is

that I can get done 30 minutes later, go home and have a pizza and maybe some donuts to

go with it. Seriously. This is all I can think about.

I don’t know what the F**K to do, except give up.

In two hours, I doubt I will feel this same way, but I am sure I will be eating a pizza by then.

I just don’t know how to get past this point and get back to it. I haven’t figured it out for

the past 6 months and truly believe that I just simply won’t.

Just Simply Won’t

Mother’s Day

I was at the grocery store Friday and when I went to leave, I saw all these baskets lined up, with floral bouquets
that said “Saturday Delivery” signs on them. I’d never seen that before. A guy was standing there who worked
there and I almost said “What’s the occasion”… but luckily it dawned on my right then.

Oh yeah.

Mother’s Day.

So it was time to visit.

Flowers for Mom.

And for Dad

Procrastination and Change

You know how it is right?

You take a semester off of college and never go back.
You take some time off from working out and you never go back.
You take a week or so off from blogging and then just can’t get inspired to start again.

I’m two for three.
I am still working out.
4-5 times a week.

Still working out with Amanda twice a month. Still haven’t lost any weight since November.

Oh and Doughnuts and Pizza. Don’t ask. Some things just aren’t quittable (a new word!). Arg!

It’s hard to write about working out and getting fit and losing weight, when out of those three things, all you are accomplishing are the working out part.

Getting to where I wanted to be by the time I turned 50 in July isn’t going to happen, unless a large part of me get amputated. Some things aren’t amputatable (another new word!).

London has been postponed. If I come into some big money, then it is happening in October, if not, then next spring. The Year of Susan has been postponed… no delayed… no… maybe elongated. It’s gonna be a long year. Yep, it’s gonna be a long one! Hopefully not too long. Still, too long.

Anyway, I have been thinking about changing this blog a little bit. I will need to come up with a new name for it, however it will still feature stuff about my weight loss struggle. I just want to incorporate other things in it as well. I have another blog, practically long forgotten called “Watching Bad TV” and I think I will probably do away with that blog, and when some show drives me crazy, just write about it here. I have also been planning to do a blog on my going through my family tree at Ancestry.com and  since I couldn’t find a good title for it, it never happened. So I will write about that too.

Basically, this blog is going Multipurpose. I will tag all of my weight loss and working out stuff with “Fit for 50” so if that is all you are interested it, you should be able to ignore everything else and just find The Fit for 50 tag.

The big question is.. what do I change the name of this blog to? No one knows yet. It’s a mystery.
I would like something 3-4 syllables and maybe some alliteration as well. I’ll be thinking about it.
If you have any ideas… use the comments.

Thanks… and see you around.
Sooner than later.
I hope.

Resolutions.. Not for me!

I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions. I set myself up for failure just fine, without needing a Holiday to announce my impending failure. Nope don’t need that.

I am not a goal oriented person, so this goal of getting Fit for Fifty or losing 60 pounds by the time I go to London, is something that is hard, a struggle, for me to maintain. You might be able to tell that by the way it takes me so long between posts. If I was doing well, I’d want to blog about it, wouldn’t I? Maybe. Maybe.

I have one friend who is very goal oriented and it seems like every goal she sets she always accomplishes them.  I watch her set goals and then reach every single one of them, and am in awe of that.  However, I am not like that. Goals are a struggle for me. I like immediate satisfaction too much. Way too much.

So for the past week or so, I have been looking at different blogs and emails newsletters.

First I came across Peter Shankman’s blog, A Year to Ten Percent. Last year he set a goal to do and complete the Ironman Cozemel. However his conditioning didn’t lead to much weight loss as he only lost 18 lbs, so he set a goal this year to get to 10% body fat. I wish him luck… I am not that crazy!

Check out his blog:


I was reading through the comments on the site and saw one person had posted some links for helpful tools and so I checked them out.

1-Habit Changer:


Give them 42 days to change your ways. If you click on programs, you can enroll in one, however they cost you money. That’s where I stopped.  The 42 day program Lose Weight is 29.95. For that you get daily challenges sent to you by text or emails, as well as tools to help you achieve those tools. For $30, it might be something I might try further down the line.

2- Stickk


I liked this one. I thought it was very interesting, and actually started to sign up but something stopped me.

First you pick a goal. You can choose from the Pull Down or chose one yourself. I chose “Lose Weight”. I got the Goal page and put in my information – my weight, my height, my goal weight and how many weeks until I want to reach it. I want to lose 60 lbs in 30 weeks. So my commitment is 2lbs a week.  It also calculated my current BMI and my goal BMI. I also have to “check in” on Thursdays.  The next step is “setting the stakes”. This is the good part. You are putting money down on your goal.  You have four choices. Choose and “Anti-charity”, a Charity, a friend or foe, or No stakes. I like the Anti- Charity. You have choices. If you are pro-choice, then you can choose Americans for Life, or vice-versus, if you are pro-Life you can chose NARAL.  There are enviromental choices, Gun control Choices, Gay Marriage or Political.  A charity from opposite sides for each. So I could choose The Institute for Marriage and Public Policy, since I am pro-gay marriage. The last think I want is for that charity to get any money from me! Another option, the “Friend or Foe” would be good if you were trying to lose weight with a friend and wanted to challenge each other.  I am a bit on the cheap side, so for now I would choose “No stakes”.  When I originally tried to set this up last week, I did chose Anti-Charity, but when I went to set what my weekly monetary commitment, I wanted to do $1, but it has a minimum of $5. I don’t have enough faith in myself to put $150 on the line, especially because you have to enter your credit card information right there and right now! So I checked “no money at stake” and it warns me that putting money on the line triples my rate of success. Sorry, too cheap today.  Next it tells me to pick a referee.  I chose myself and so I am on the honor program! Next, you can pick supporters either by entering their email, or posting on Facebook or Twitter. It would then send people a message of what you are doing and ask them to monitor your project and offer support. Well, I can’t do that, so I am skipping that step! So now I am all set up, but I have no idea if I need to remember to go in once a week and update my weight, or if it will email me. I guess I will find out on Thursday as that is the date I put in to start.

3-My Food Diary.


I haven’t looked at this one much past the first page. There is a free trial and then it cost $9 a month which isn’t much. I have my food log at my Fitbit page, so that is why I didn’t look into it. If anyone does, please leave a comment and let me know what you think.

4- Life Balance


I know  nothing about this. There is a free trial and then it is a paid app. I think when I first looked at it I thought it was an iPhone or Android app and didn’t look further, though now, opening the page again, it seems like it can also be a download for your computer.

This is what the website says:

How do you achieve a lifestyle that works for you?

Life Balance™ is personal coaching software that helps you to decide what to work on, so that you can put your effort into the goals, projects and tasks that really matter to you.

I could probably use some major life coaching, but for now, I will work on myself alone. Or at least with what I have.

If you chose to check it out, again, please leave a comment and share your thoughts.

5- HabitForge


This one I signed up for last Thursday. I once heard that it takes 21 days to form a habit, and this site seems to agree with that.  Basically you set something that you want to do every day. I chose two things. 1- Eat a fruit or vegetable everyday. 2- Walk extra everyday.  So I set those up and now every day I get an email telling me to click on the link. It takes me to my goal page, with my two goals and asks me if I did them yesterday. I hit “yes” or “no” for each one. When I hit yes, it marks a circle, however anytime I hit no, it resets all of my “yes” marks and I start all over again. I have yet to eat a fruit or vegetable since I started, so that has been a whole lot of no!


So those are the ones I have been looking at this past week.  I am doing Stickk and Habitforge, so it will be interesting to see how they work out for me.  If you try any of them, let me know what you think. If you just look at them, offer up an opinion.

Thanks and good luck with whatever goals you are working on. Just don’t call them resolutions!


Look, it’s me!

This post is one that is a little hard to make. I don’t let myself get photographed and I certainly don’t let anyone see the ones that happen!

Well my trainer has asked me to write a testimonial for her. She also wanted a picture of me before I started working with her, and a current one. I didn’t know if I could find a “before” picture, since, well as I stated, I don’t believe in having pictures taken of me. However I went through my files and found one. I think this was taken about January/February 2009. About 4-5 months before I started working with Amanda. Get ready.. this is a hard one to post…

Yuck. I really should have made that a thumbnail! But there I am. Fat. Fatty McFatterson.

And here, taken today by my niece is also me. Not quite as horrifying!

I see a difference, and I hope that others agree, so I am not just kidding myself about it. As I keep saying, I still have a way to go. Hopefully soon, I can update this with an even better picture.

Now I just need to hit publish and go to bed, hopefully forgetting that at 2:55 am, I posted these pictures. Oh well.

The truth is *now* out there.

The Trainer Returns…

Amanda is back! She was on maternity leave for 2 months, but she returned this week.

It was like the sun coming out. With a choir singing in the background “AAAAAHHHHHHH”


Time to get down to it!

So we met yesterday and weighed in, remeasured, talked and well worked out.

Oh and I also won! Yep. Lucky me. Amanda said all of her clients had some weight gain while she was gone. I won the prize for the most. I gained 13 pounds since my last weigh in on August 6th. Now I think about 3-4 pounds of that is “time of the month’ bloat, but that doesn’t matter right now.

Let’s be real. I weight 263 pounds. There I typed it out. That’s the truth. I don’t know what my all time highest weight was but it was firmly in the 300s. When I lost weight the first time, in 2004/2005 I started at 311. My sister-in-law and I had been walking a lot for about a year at that time and she believes that before we started walking I probably weighed 20 more pounds that that.

That’s a lot of pizza and donuts.

So I have a lot of weight to lose. 13 of that that which was lost, found again and now must be lost all over again!  My goal is to weigh no more than 200lbs when I go to England next August.  That’s 271 days away. 15 days after I turn 50.

We need a plan.. man.

I printed out some pages from my fitbit page so that Amanda could see what information it gives me.

Like the daily activity info:

This one shows my calories burned in 5 minute increment through the day. You can see that this is also a day when I hit my 10,000 step goal.

This top graph on this page shows a comparison between calories burned and calories eaten (note I haven’t entered in my food intake on this day though). This will be important for me these coming months:

This pictures shows a pie chart divided up by your activity. Mine tend to be mostly gray for sedentary. The ideal is to have more blue (lightly active), yellow (fairly active) and red (highly active):


This next one is steps taken. You can tell I sit behind a desk all day and then you can tell when I go workout. The idea of course is to see more spikes of activity during the day.


I also showed her an example of the food log and I am going to print that so that she can see it when we meet. I like the fact that the food log breaks everything down with calories, fat, sodium, cards, etc. She wants me to focus on no more than 1500 gm of sodium. The day I printed out for her, I was at 4,000!! Eek.

So here is the plan. I need to lose 63 pounds and have 10 months to do so. I need to lose 6 lbs a month, or 1.5 pounds a week. So this is not a crash diet I have to do. It is extremely doable!

Using the calories burned vs calories eaten graph, I need to have a 375 calorie deficit every day. We left my calorie take at 2000 and change my calorie burn goal to 2600, giving me a 600 calorie deficit. We are thinking about it this way: There might be days that I don’t work out, or maybe days when I don’t eat the best. Aiming at a 600 calorie deficit daily means that I am just banking extra calories burned for those days. Secondly as you get closer to your goal it will be harder to lose the weight. So we are aiming to burn more now while it is easier today. When it gets closer and the weight is coming off slowly we will increase that deficit.

So it’s a plan. Now we have to put the plan in action.  Be smart. Keep the eye on the prize.